Love YOURSELF, pamper YOURSELF, think for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what is it that you want, the best for YOU, then you'll not regret *hugs* - Jules

I love keeping email conversations with my friends. I often email them to my personal email,knowing one day when I'm old and bored, I'd smile when I read them. Providing Gmail/Yahoo don't die on me when I'm old and bored.

I am simply not hiding my current status to anyone I know.Old or new friends, colleagues or ex-colleagues, family or strangers. I don't explain them but if you ask me, I would be honest with you.

I am a rocking 25 year old single Cancerian, sitting infront of my Vaio whom I bought it with my ex-boyfriend typing away AND dreading Saturday and the many Saturdays, of cos' the coming CNY too.

Sounds bitter? Whatever. But part of me never regrets anything at all. I can't even find the strength to be angry with anyone.

Sure, I am still sad and a funny sting of pain hits me everytime whenever I hear Jason Mraz's on Class 95fm(Which I think they did it on purpose on playing it at least TWICE a day. Fuck, I am still playing it on my Wmp), and when my dad asks about him.

Should I just do a tatoo on my forehead or jawline,since my fringe covers my forehead that we broke up?
I think this would be much better than explaning to where is my ex-boyfriend and why is he not here on CNY to my relatives.

For the past 4 CNY, my first and second day of which were all spent at his family's side with him playing with the cousins (all big and small) and without having a clue that I do not like sitting on the sofa pretending to be so interested with that damn tv show each year.

For a record, I kinda feel relieved that I do not have to do it this year. Of cos' realistically speaking, the drastic drop of my ang pows' is not very reliefing.

I know I sound awfully bitter writing all these but you are not me. You are not sitting on your sore ass experiencing the joy of singlehood after a long 5.5 year long relationship. Oh fuck, now all the time in the world?!
You are most likely happily indulging in the pineapple tarts, the bak-kwas, the whatever and whatever.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you who read this, knows I love you all the same.

The reason why I am writing like this is probably because I am in the midst of reading. I often get inspired to write a little weird when I am reading something I like.

I am starting to really like Cecilia Ahern's novels. I didn't even started with 'Ps.I love you'.
I started with 'If you could see me now'. I happened to read that the movie is targetting to hit the screen on 2011 and I don't care by then I would be watching alone if I have to cos' I WILL WATCH.
I love IVAN from ekam eveileb!!(Figure that yourself ;) )

At least Cecilia Ahern's novels are never that sad. I am getting tired of reading almost every couple gets separated by death in Nicholas Sparks' novels(Though it didn't happened in 'The Lucky One' but I almost thought it did). And I can't seem to find the rest of the Twilight books...Just as well, save me the penny.

Actually I think I can finish the tonight (and I just bought it last evening!!Fuck!) but that would left me with nothing to read tomorrow!
SIGH!

This is some bad digress but it frees me some space to think if I should blog about how disappointed I am with the break up decision.

I think I should, after all this is my godamn blog.

I clearly remember that night. What an amiable break up! To think I would live by a day to see my dear ex-boyfriend freeing himself away from work.
No, actually not that I would expect that. To separate him from indulging with his now 7 days worth of 2 jobs is like asking a fish to cycle on land.
As simple as that, I presume.

No. I do not have a problem with that. Not now especially.

I am just feeling dead disappointed. Despite I have nothing to ask for now, no right to ask for anything right now but whatever happened to the 'hopes' we had on that break up night?

Maybe I am being far too anxious cos' it has only been a mild 2 weeks. AND I know that Jason wasn't having it easy too. At least I know that was how he was feeling a week back? This week, no idea at all. I know, none of my beewax. Right.

Disruption*
Jason texted me. He said the weekend is here, spend more time with my family and take care of myself.
I know he still care but that doesn't covers the disappointment I had on Wednesday and maybe today.

He texted me on Wednesday, just a casual drop by mid-week greeting. It is not the kinda message that asks for my elaboration on my day, how am I doing etc. But I told him anyway cos' for some reasons, I was pretty stressed up @ work on Wednesday.
He kindly encouraged me but I kinda kept whining. At my 3rd whiny message, he did not reply anymore.

Rationally and soberly I know that he doesn't have to. Technically it is NOT his responsibility anymore.
Emotionally I am quite 'dead' on the fact that he must have got busy with his work again(even it's lunch time) and he didn't have the time to reply. AND he DIDN'T reply nor follow up till the earlier message I just gotten.

This is my typical ex-boyfriend for you. That is one of what that attributed to our break up.
He has conveniently learned not to contact me when he is at work.

As much as he loves/loved me, he can never express his concerns enough or making his prescence felt. And then he was partly blaming me that I think he never loves me enough when I thought these are somewhat mutually exclusive issues!

You know what a guy would do for me or what I would love a guy to do for me?
Please, at least call me!Hear me rant for a minute or five. Encourage me and not drop the bill just like that!
If I were to go on romantically, a Romeo would have send me an E-card to brighten my day and tells me how much he loves me still or surprise me by picking me after work with or without a sweet small gift. All that just in the name of cheering me on.
Of cos' this is no fairy tale so I would be just happy enough with the call or at least, messages to follow up! I really don't see how fucking difficult that can be as compare to your stressful work?!

That is what I can't drilled in Jason's head all these years, which seems to be just occupied with work,work,work and soccer AND soccer AND fucking more soccer but less of it when he quits the club, and thinking how much he loves me without actually communicating or making the fucking effort to.

I don't get this when I was his girlfriend and now that I isn't, I know I have no right to ask for it anyway. BUT that doesn't stop me from feeling the way that I do, does it?

You can say this is not fair. Yes,it isn't cos' this is MY fucking blog! Get used to it!
I don't know why am I so pissed now. Guess it is just something that built over the days.

Today is the 23rd and 23rd of every month used to be a day we would have dinner together, occassionally buying gifts for each other (more of my doings than his). As every 23rd came, the recents, I'd noticed had become literally meaningless.
We were either not meeting that day, quarrelled or simply no more 'Happy XXth + 1 month~"(And he used to do that...till it was lost.)

I do not expect him to wish me any 'Happy whatthefucktodayis month' but I am fighting all the urge today to call him.
I wanted to talk to him,wishing we could carry a decent heart to heart chat. I wish to meet him if possible. But no, I know I can't be doing all that when it seems very well he is NOT going to propose any of that on his own anyway.

I would not put words in his mouth nor paint a Jason-is-happy-now picture cos' a chance that he is not and probably thinking that he should now leave me alone.
It's bad enough but no matter what it is, I trust Jason has got his work to keep his life keep spinning at the rate he likes it to be.

I think I am just disappointed that the way I want and just want something I don't think is difficult at all, can't be acheived from the man who loves me so much?
Could this love never be meant to be anyhow?

What basis did I use it to be compared to? Another one who is seemly not meant to be but just doing the right things at the right time. Though still not meant to be.

Tomorrow's the dreaded Saturday again. I do not know what to do at all. My mind did scan through a few locations and God knows I would end up at Central, Starbucks drinking Java Chip Frappucino again?
I don't think I would cry tomorrow but let's keep our fingers crossed at that.

If by any chance that I should risk trying to make this entry a little brighter, I am annoucing I have a "Zoo-Day" date on 5th Feb.
Particially it sucks to go there again when I was there with 3 other person just in late 2007. But funnily, a part of me like a teenage school gal can't wait. ;)

If this is what you want, a chance to date. Here I am,proving my life is worth every day of the calender.

Happy Chinese New Year,friends.

Gonna spoil it for you (or just SW) with my face signing off. Hahahahaha.




Ps: I want you to know that I am not angry with you cos' I am no one to be that now. That doesn't mean I would be happy to reply your message tonight.

Ps:Sorry for yet another vulgar entry. Get used to it.